As I have said a zillion times before, since my accident I have had a ton of time to think. Too much thinking is bad for someone who already has anxiety.
Since it’s been a year since my accident. That is a lot of thinking time. I have thought about things I did in the past, both right and wrong things. Also, I worry about things that haven’t happened yet. When you just think, think, think your thoughts start to spiral. A lot of times they start out positive and spiral into negative.
First Step To Fixing It
The first step to me fixing my overthinking was to admit that I was doing it. If I hadn’t gotten hurt, I would have been riding horses, teaching lessons, floating on the river, all that good stuff. I wouldn’t have had the last year of idle time to just think myself silly.
So, it’s the TBI’s fault! Unfortunately though, since I can’t control the fact that I got hurt, I can only learn and grow from it. The first step is to just accept that this TBI thing is what it is. I didn’t ask for it, but now it’s mine to decide what to do with it. I decided to embrace it. Well, that is sort of a lie. I try my hardest to embrace it whenever I can. I’m not going to sit here and say that I don’t get frustrated or mad or cry. Most certainly, I do have those days. I have made it my mission though to have more good days than bad.
This Wasn’t A One Time Conversation
This was by no means a one-time conversation with myself. It is an everyday conversation. Sometimes, if it is a particularly rough day, it is a conversation that happens more than once in a day. It is like giving myself a secret internal pep talk. I can say that this is a skill that I’m proud to have developed in the last year since my injury.
I’m Different Than I Was Before The Accident, But That Is Okay
I’m not the same person I was before I got hurt. In a lot of ways, I’m still the same. On the outside I look about the same, I just need a walker. On the inside is where I have changed. Talk to anyone who has been through TBI or living with Post Concussive Syndrome and I bet they will tell you that finding a sense of self again is one of the hardest things.
For A While I Wasn’t Trying
For a while, I was pretty down and wasn’t really trying to figure out my new self. I was just feeling bad all the time and wishing this wasn’t my life. I can’t really say there was a particular day in mind that I had an epipheny about this. It just sort of happened over time.
I realized, that it is okay to not know where I stand at this point. It is okay to not be sure of the future. I don’t have to be the same person I was before I got hurt. Nobody is expecting that. I’m doing my best to be a better version of myself.
I have always loved writing, but never took the time to do it before I got hurt. I decided to embrace my love of writing. Luckily, I have a great friend who helped me with the computer part of it, and the blog was born.
Writing for my blog is just as much for me as it is for you. I’m taking all those crazy thoughts that are always spinning around in my head and writing about them. Hopefully to help other people who are in the same situation as me to not feel like they are so alone or that the feelings they are having are so unusual.
I write about horses because they have practically occupied my whole entire mind and heart for as long as I can remember. My knowledge of horses isn’t doing anyone any good if I don’t use it. I go out and do the very best I can with the few students I have right now. Then I take all the other restless horse energy I have left to give and I put it into articles. Articles all about horses, horse life, riding, horse health…anything, you name it I will write it if it is about horses! So another example of me doing me, writing about horses because that is who I am. Even though I’m not able to ride currently, I’m still a horsewoman wholeheartedly and I express that with my writing and blog posts. Hopefully, someone gets something out of it, if not it is still benefitting me that I have a purpose.
Anyway, Long Story Short…
Writing is my therapy. It is helping me navigate my way back to normalcy. Between writing about my TBI struggles, the horses and everything else I come up with. I’m finally doing something specifically for me. That is one good thing about recovering from an injury like this on… that you gain a new perspective on life and have the opportunity to make changes you otherwise wouldn’t have made.
I can honestly say that I’m grateful for the change in perspective and a different outlook on life. For me, it is definitely for the better. I’m not only working hard to beat my TBI, but I’m also working hard to become a better person. A person that inspires others and helps others. Someone who shares their knowledge and experiences to help better other peoples lives.
My Wish For You Reading This
My wish for you reading this is that you gained something from it. A new perspective, some information, or just the push you need to make a change in your heart and how you see the world.
I can pretty much tell you, if it hadn’t been for this accident, I would never have decided that I was going to take control of my own thoughts and my own happiness. It isn’t easy, it’s hard work every day, but it is working. I have more perseverance than I ever thought.
It’s A New Week, A Chance To Start Something…
Just think about it, as you start this new week, that you can make changes. You don’t have to have a life-changing injury or experience to decide that you are going to work daily toward being a better version of yourself.
I’m by no means perfect, or a professional giver of life advice, by any means. I have just decided that I’m going to work hard every day to turn what seems like such a negative thing in my life into a positive. Some days will be better than others. There will be days that I want to be mad at the world or mad at myself, but I will just keep coming back to the fact that it is up to me to decide how I’m going to feel about myself and my life.
Personal Growth Is Hard
Personal growth is hard. I had no idea how hard until I had to try and navigate it after my injury.
If I can do it with my bruised brain, you definitely can.
We are starting a new week, maybe make a small change that will lead to a big one later on. Try and see the world through rose-colored glasses, or the glass half full instead of half empty.
Is it partly cloudy or partly sunny? It all just depends on your perspective! Think about it… I bet you will be glad you did.